


Colors

by remilej



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, brief cancer mention, cursing, death mention, description of panic attack, eventually, past suicide mention, self deprecation, somewhat neglectful parents, talk of depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-08-02 05:09:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16298741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remilej/pseuds/remilej
Summary: Everyone knows when you meet your soulmate, the world is supposed to fill with color for the both of you. Unfortunately for Roman Patrick, that is not always the case.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! I've had this on tumblr for... Months, and I am finally caving and putting it on AO3. The first twelve chapters are going to go up in rapid succession. There's not a whole lot else for me to say except that I am working on what's coming next!

The first day of a new school year was always a busy day for Roman Patrick, what with his older brother, Logan, pushing him to get out the door at exactly forty-two minutes before classes started ( _“We are on a schedule, Roman, we cannot delay even a moment or we will be late to picking up Patton.”_ ) and Patton fussing over him for more than a couple minutes once they did pick him up ( _“Did you brush your teeth this morning? Remember deodorant? I’m just looking out for you, kiddo.”_ At least if one good thing came out of Logan meeting his soulmate at such a young age, it was that Roman got the extra attention from him that he sometimes felt he lacked at home even if that meant Patton treated him like a little kid from time to time).

Then there was the added effect of having to catch up with everyone he hadn’t seen since the end of the previous school year. At least one new person had met their soulmate over the summer and would not so subtly point it out to him by commenting on the color of his jacket. And, ever the encouraging person he was, Roman would smile and pretend it didn’t sting at least a little bit that he had still yet to meet his own. He would joke with them and ask for fashion advice, namely having whoever reassure him that his colors didn’t clash since he obviously couldn’t tell besides the general black and white that he saw. It was always good for a laugh. Roman was not going to let jealousy overtake him.

After that was finding his way to all of his classes, which wasn’t near as difficult now that he was a junior and had a pretty good idea where all the classrooms fell in the grid of the school. Typically from there, it was pretty monotonous as with new teachers and new classes came endless syllabi and introduction games that Roman had excelled at since preschool. The more attention that was on him, the better. This was even more true whenever he saw new faces and felt himself fill with hope that maybe this time it would happen for him. Hopes and dreams would only get him so far, though.

He saw Patton again in his theatre class as Patton had signed up to aide the drama teacher during his period, and he chatted excitedly with the class through most of the period and teased that he was to be called Mr. Love to the endearing eyeroll of Mr. Sanders. They walked together to lunch, joining Logan who had already spread out books on their table as if he actually had assignments on day one. Roman marveled as Pat pulled Logan out of his textbook, demanding his attention and earning a disgruntled sigh as he shut Logan’s book for him. Logan told him exactly where to meet them at the end of the day, including the time range in which he was allowed to meet him there before Roman would be left to walk home (though, Logan assured him the time would get more specific as they got more used to the schedule).

The rest of his afternoon seemed to be shaping up just as dully as his morning had until he entered his last class for the day - AP English Literature - to someone new, sunk into a seat in the very back row. If there was one thing Roman had grown used to, it was the same faces in his AP classes so it was a surprise, but not an unwelcome one. One more chance for the day, it seemed.

Roman threw on his most charming smile as he marched to the back of the classroom to drop into the seat next to him. He noted the patterned patches on the hoodie the young man was wearing, the hues of which seemed to almost match the headphones he had on over his ears. Something about those made Roman doubt that he would be able to hear him and he reached out to gently tap him on the shoulder to grab his attention.

The boy jolted in his seat, ripping his headphones off and flicking his head around like a frightened deer and Roman threw his hands up innocently when it seemed like the other’s eyes were finally going to land on him. “My apologies, Headphones,” Roman said, eyes briefly shut as he waited for the other to relax a bit. “Just wanted to introduce myself, since it seems that I don’t know who you are. My name is Roman Patrick and it is an absolute pleasure to meet you,” he said, sticking his hand out.

The other’s eyes shifted down to Roman’s extended hand and, despite his best efforts, Roman shifted in his seat nervously as he waited for him to shake his hand. The young man sighed and pulled the sleeve of his hoodie up so that he could properly grab his hand. “Virgil. Virgil Casey,” he said as his eyes finally flicked up to meet Roman’s.

Roman felt a surge when their eyes meant, something almost like nausea that faded quickly as Roman’s squeezed his eyes shut. When the feeling subsided, he noticed the hand had slipped from his and that brown eyes were giving him a confused look.

_Brown._

“Uh, you okay, dude?” Virgil asked, clearly confused by the awe on Roman’s face.

Roman straightened, eyes flicking up and down Virgil as he noted the dark grey jeans with holes at the knees and the purple plaid patches scattered over the black hoodie, the matching headphones, the dark bags contrasting the pale skin under his eyes. He was beautiful and Roman realized how incredibly lucky he was to have met him, even just now. But, that lucky feeling halted when he realized just how confused Virgil seemed. “Don’t you see it?” Roman asked, scrunching his brows together. “The color?”

Virgil blinked at him and shook his head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the next!

It took all Roman had not to go into a complete shutdown mode as soon as the man who was supposed to be his soulmate let on that Roman seemed to be one-sided here. Roman had never even met someone who was one-sided, had only read stories about their tragedies and prayed that it would never happen to him. Fate seemed to have a sick sense of humor by putting Roman - known for his dramatic flair and love for _love_  - in a situation like this.

Roman managed to force on his winning smile, shaking his head and ready to push forward in the conversation and try to act like nothing had happened, only to be saved by their teacher walking in and quickly pulling the attention up to the front of the class. 

One thing Roman had not expected to feel after meeting his soulmate was immediate relief about the fact that he didn’t have to try and keep up a conversation with the way his mind was reeling. He couldn’t focus on the syllabus, didn’t know what books they would be reading, didn’t know how many essays they would be writing, didn’t know anything about the number of tests they would be taking. But, he did know Virgil chewed on the tip of his pencil between writing things down and that he drummed his fingers on the desk when he wasn’t doing that and that he was being creepy by watching him so closely in the first place. He definitely knew he was when Virgil look over at him and caught him, shifting further away from him so that he was pressed against the bar on the opposite side of the desk.

There wasn’t even a chance to try and clear things up (explain that he normally wasn’t like that) at the end of class as their teacher talked until the bell rang and Virgil had all but run out of the room before Roman had even managed to pick up his bag. By the time he made it into the full hallway, Virgil was nowhere to be seen. As if his day couldn’t get any worse, he had left his soulmate uncomfortable and himself at a loss.

He moved through the hall in a daze, halfway hoping to see purple patches somewhere in the halls and hope that maybe, just maybe, there would be a delayed reaction and his soulmate would be looking for him too because he saw. Luck didn’t seem to be on his side though, he realized, when Patton came into view at the end of the hallway where Logan had told them all to meet. Watching Patton scrunch up the sleeves on his grey cardigan and messing with the buttons on his pale blue shirt made something tight in his stomach and he had made himself put the smile back onto his face when he saw that Patton had noticed him, too.

“Hey, Ro!” Patton greeted excitedly, messing with Roman’s hair and making him grumble about how much effort he had put into it that morning. “I think Logan is gonna be a little longer than he thought he would. He has physics at the end of the day and he was a little excited when I saw him before. I’d bet he is getting extra assignments already and schooling the teach on things he doesn’t understand. Anything fun happen to you in the last couple hours?” Roman blinked and felt his stomach twist again as Patton’s blue eyes practically bored into him when he didn’t immediately give him an answer. “Did something happen, Roman?”

“I-” Roman began, not quite sure he wanted to clue Patton in on that quite yet. He wasn’t sure he’d even convinced himself it was happening, not completely anyway, and he didn’t think he could stand the sympathetic look the other would give him if Roman just came out with it without either bursting into a dramatic fit of tears or becoming very angry. “Of course not, Patton. It has just been a very long day and I’m afraid I made be in need of a bit of a nap when we return home. That’s all,” he told him with a wide grin, though lying to Patton made the pain in his stomach get worse.

Patton frowned at him, but seemed to decide to let it slide as he moved on to talk about the cooking class he had signed up to take during that semester. Patton was always good for a distraction when Roman needed it most, and even if he hadn’t told the other just what was wrong, Patton was doing his best to remedy it in his own way while they waited for Logan.

When Logan did show up, Roman was less than surprised to note that his older brother had opted to stick to a neutral color scheme, even after all these years of being able to see the full spectrum of color. The only color Logan actually did have on him was a blue tie that almost matched Patton’s shirt. That brought a genuine smile to his face as he realized that his brother probably only had the splash of color at his soulmate’s request. He had to wonder if they did that every day or if it was for the special occasion of starting their final year in school, though Roman supposed he was going to find out the next day.

“I apologize for my tardiness. Dr. Jones’ class was lacking in complexity and I was afraid that I was going to spend an entire year of my education unchallenged,” he told them as Patton snaked an arm around his waist, earning the rare smile from his brother. Another knot in Roman’s stomach as he realized that was not going to be an option for him. “It won’t happen again. Tomorrow, we shall meet here at the same time as originally proposed,” Logan continued as he began his walk out of the building.

In the car, listening to Patton whine that Logan should hold his hand while Logan lectured him about driving safety in a surprisingly soft tone, Roman finally cracked a bit. “Do either of you know someone who is one-sided?” He asked, immediately silencing the two in the front seat with the abruptness of it.

“Well, where did that come from?” Patton asked, twisting so that he could get a good look at Roman in the back seat.

“Nowhere, really, we will just be reading a couple of short memoirs about one-sided people this coming year in my literature class and it’s been on my mind since then.” It wasn’t completely a lie, Roman decided. He had been thinking about it since literature and if he looked hard enough, he was sure to find at least one memoir on the topic in his syllabus for the class.

“I had an uncle who was one-sided,” Patton said as he flipped back to facing forward with a gentle push from Logan’s hand on his shoulder. “He was pretty happy for a long time, just hanging out with them and being close to them as often as he could. They were best friends for a long time, he told me.” Roman perked up a bit and straightened out in his seat, thinking that could work out in his favor, until Patton continued. “But then his soulmate met her soulmate and it kind of… Spiraled from there.” Patton’s tone changed, sadness filling it as he trailed off from his story into how most of the tales of one-sided usually went and Roman found himself regretting asking in the first place. Roman watched as Logan broke his driving rule and reached to grip his hand for a brief moment.

“It was hard for him. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have Logan the same way he has me,” he continued, lifting Logan’s hand to kiss his knuckles before dropping it so the other could return it to the wheel. Patton sniffed and turned back to Roman, a chipper smile back on his face. “But, you’re not going to have to worry about it, Kiddo! Someone as romantic as you are is not going to be one-sided. Someone has to be lucky enough to experience all of that themselves.”

Roman nodded a bit and slouched back down in his seat. Of course, someone had to be lucky enough to experience all of that. It just wasn’t going to be anyone who felt that way about him.


	3. Chapter 3

The next couple of weeks seemed to drag on for Roman. After about a week of hoping that maybe the color would just go away and his brain had just tricked him or hoping that Virgil would just speak up and tell him he saw it too, he tried to make himself believe he was one-sided. Which, might have been easier if Virgil would at least talk to him so that he could figure out why this would’ve happened in the first place. The guy sank into his seat before class even started and never took off his headphones, practically shut himself off from the whole world.

The one time Virgil did speak to him it was to tell him to “ _stop fucking staring_ ” which… Roman should have really expected after a couple weeks in class where he couldn’t keep his eyes off of him, especially after he had colored his hair in the third week of school. He couldn’t quite wrap his head around why someone who hadn’t met their soulmate yet had dyed their hair purple. It wasn’t as if he could see what he was looking like, so why did it matter so much?

Roman had moved to the front of the class after that incident and just forced himself to focus and give Virgil the space that he seemed to want so badly. It was surprisingly difficult when all he wanted to do was be near him and get to know him and figure out just what went wrong.

Patton was being more observant of his behavior, lately, too, and was constantly asking him if he was alright and Roman was getting so close to cracking. But then the other would start to worry and that would cause his brother to worry and then his parents would want to know and Roman couldn’t handle disappointing them like that, not again. So, he started spending a lot of time in his room to keep that from happening, citing extensive amounts of homework as the reason despite the fact that he spent more time staring at the ceiling or watching Disney movies than actually doing his homework.

It got easier to hide away from his family when the play began.  Unsurprisingly, Roman had won the lead in the show as the Prince Charming in the story which meant he got to throw himself into it and not worry about anything else. Rehearsals took up several hours in his afternoon and then memorizing his lines took up his time once he returned home and he was able to explain away his time unlike the weeks leading up to the auditions. And it was a great distraction. He got to pretend to be someone else for hours at a time and forget about his own problems. This had been a coping mechanism for years, but it felt more anchoring now than it ever had before.

Of course, this was until he decided to stay late with the costuming crew one night to help them sew together some costumes in the workshop. It was all going swimmingly - the people there were his friends, after all. Most of them were still unbonded, so it wasn’t something that typically came up in their conversations unless they needed someone to pick out colors. One of the girls had asked him to pop out and grab one of the pieces the crew had been painting so that she could match the colors on the banner for the prince’s sash (a dashing red, if Roman remembered correctly) and he had made it halfway to the back of the workshop before he crashed into another person wandering through the different set pieces.

“Excuse me, could you please watch where you’re–” Roman stopped himself half-way through his sentence with his hands freezing where they were brushing off his chest as his eyes landed on the person in front of him. Virgil, in a deep maroon shirt splattered with different streaks of paint. “What are you doing here?”

  
Virgil gave him an unimpressed look, rolling his eyes. “I get the strangest feeling you feel like you own the place,” he grumbled as he crossed his arms over his chest. Great to know Roman left that sort of impression with his soulmate. “I work with the crew sometimes after school when my dad works late. Better than being home by myself and I used to do it all the time at my old school. I’d ask what you’re doing but I’m sure I can guess. You’re the theatre guy. Too dramatic not to be.”

Roman did his level best to not be offended by the annoyed tone in Virgil’s voice, but placed a hand over his heart, all the same, to play into his dramatics. “Why I’m afraid you hardly know me and it is not your place to make those judgments,” Roman told him, flipping his hair and grinning at Virgil, only to receive another eye roll from him. “Though, it’s not far from the truth. I do quite enjoy the theatre and this has been my 'thing' since I was in the sixth grade. You could say I’m a pretty good actor.”

“Yeah, can you act like a normal guy?” Virgil asked with a raised brow.

Roman snorted and shook his head, perking up with a, “now, why would I do that?”

“That is a great question. Now, if you don’t mind, creepy staring guy, I was looking for a hammer. So I’m just going to…”

Virgil started to slip past him and Roman’s hand flew out to grab his wrist before he was able to get too far away. The crazed look his soulmate gave him had him immediately dropping his hand and blushing as he took a step back. “Look. I don’t want to have the reputation of ‘creepy staring guy’ with you. It is just that you are very striking, what with the eyeshadow. Perhaps, you and I could be friends and I could prove that I’m not creepy” Roman suggested with a small shrug, trying for nonchalant with his heart thudding against his chest at even the idea of spending any amount of time with the other boy.

Virgil looked him up and down as he took a silent moment to think over the offer, the mere seconds feeling like hours as Roman tried to contain the hope he was feeling. “Fine,” Virgil agreed and Roman released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “But it’s going to be here, at the school, and we’re not doing anything too crazy. Mostly because I want to be able to get away pretty quickly if you’re actually insane. I still need someone to review my paper for lit on the last short story we read. I’ll do yours if you do mine? We could meet in the library tomorrow after play rehearsal.”

Roman smiled widely and nodded, face hurting from how wide his smile had grown. “Thank you for the second chance, Headphones. Tomorrow after rehearsal, in the library,” he repeated. Virgil returned the smile with one of his own before he walked away from Roman, this time without interruption.

When Roman finally returned to the costume shop to questions about why it took him so long, the smile still hadn’t fallen from his face.


	4. Chapter 4

Roman made it through the next day with a revived, upbeat spirit. The promise of time spent with his soulmate was enough to have him singing Disney songs in the morning, doodling in classes, and forgetting his lines during rehearsal because his mind was an hour ahead of himself in the library. That and he had been practically dancing through the halls all day. His attitude had changed enough that even his brother had mentioned it while they were eating, in passing commenting on the sudden mood change and what it could mean - only to be shushed by Patton and told to enjoy it.

(He was proud to say that he’d managed to tone himself down enough to not scare Virgil off from seeing him that afternoon. He still took his seat at the front of the class and only blocked Virgil from leaving the class long enough to confirm their plans for meeting. No more creepy staring reputation was the goal, after all.)

That didn’t keep him from nearly sprinting towards the library after Mr. Sanders called for the end of rehearsal - with a very pointed reminder to study the lines. He slowed the closer he got, catching sight of lavender hair hanging over a book at a table in the back of the library and a pencil rolling between Virgil’s fingers as he concentrated on the text in front of him. Roman placed a hand on the other to announce his arrival after noting the headphones covering his ears, causing Virgil to jump and drop his pencil. Virgil slid the patterned headphones off of his ears and glared up at Roman, “I’m almost positive there is a better way to announce showing up, dude.”

“Well, I would’ve used a different method if you hadn’t had your ears covered by those ginormous headphones, Grumpy,” Roman informed him matter-of-factly as he dropped into the seat beside him and started pulling out the assignment they had agreed to work on.

Virgil rolled his eyes and dog-eared the book before shutting it. “There wasn’t anything playing on them,” he admitted. “I can’t focus when I’ve got music playing. But they keep people from talking to me so I tend to keep them on anyway. Not a big fan of conversation if you couldn’t guess.”

Roman snorted. “Yeah, I think I could’ve figured it out,” he said with a small smile on his face. “Though, honestly, I would’ve blamed it on our rocky start.”

“Yeah, well, forget it, Princey. New start or whatever. Let’s talk about  _The Color Study_. The first of six soulmate stories we’ll be reading and writing about this semester. I can’t believe how many they’re making us read this year.”

If Roman wasn’t mistaken, he could hear something similar to annoyance at the mention of soulmates from Virgil and the smile on his face quickly dropped to a frown. “You don’t seem very pleased about that. Those are some of my favorite stories. Romance and true love and all that fun stuff. How do you not love all that? How do you  _not_ want that?”

“Because it all ends in heartbreak and depression and someone being alone. Why does anyone  _want_  that?”

That made him blink. “It doesn’t always end like that. My friend’s dad died and his mom was just as bubbly and happy as always. She knew their time had come to an end. She was just happy she got the time she did with him. Most people continue to live complete lives with their soulmates, anyway, and die within years of each other.”

“Yeah, okay?” Virgil said, voice sharp. “Not everyone gets that. Not everyone’s time comes to an end when they’re ready. Not everyone gets a happy ending. Life isn’t some fucking story, alright? My dad is stuck here without my mom because she decided she didn’t want to keep going. My dad isn’t allowed to go because my mom begged him on a little piece of paper not to follow her. I was afraid he was going to anyway.” Something darkened on Virgil’s face and Roman watched his spine straighten out. “I don’t want to do that. Ever. We’re done talking about it. Just give me your paper so I can start marking it up.”

Roman opened his mouth to come at him with a rebuttal, ask how he intended to keep himself from seeing when the time came but snapped his mouth shut when he thought about the possibility of Virgil completely shutting him out. Maybe his soulmate had already been able to pull it off. They traded papers and slipped into silence, their argument looming over their heads the rest of the afternoon.

* * *

When Logan showed up to bring him home, Roman’s mind was spinning with the gained information. Virgil didn’t want a soulmate and seemed nearly sickened by the idea that people did want that because he’d had to watch his father suffer after losing his. Roman couldn’t say he particularly blamed him. He remembered Logan panicking when he decided to spend a week at a science camp and realized two days before he left that he was going to have to go without Patton, the idea of leaving his soulmate behind for even a short amount of time shattered his typically steely exterior.

It wasn’t easy to imagine having one of his parents without the other, either, especially unexpectedly. Patton’s father had died with they were young but they’d been expecting it after a terminal cancer diagnosis. They’d been able to prepare for the inevitable loss. If Roman had put the pieces together correctly, they hadn’t been expecting the death of his mother. It had come abruptly and painfully quick through her own hand. The thought made Roman’s stomach turn.

There was also the question of whether or not he could actually force himself to not see the color. Had anyone ever done that before? Was it even possible for someone to do that? Even if it was, would the other still see color if their soulmate was so against the whole idea? Roman hoped. He hoped and he hoped and he hoped.

“You’re quiet,” Logan said, voice cutting through the silence in the car. “I was hoping your improved mood would stick for longer than one day. Do you… Have something you would like to talk about, Roman?”

It was sweet to see his brother trying to talk to him about his feelings, something that he typically reserved for when Patton was around to run interference with Logan’s far too logical thinking. “No, nothing. It was just a long day,” he told him, though he followed with a short pause. “Actually, I had a question. I was speaking to a classmate about a particular story we had to read and it seemed to me that he doesn’t believe in the whole… Soulmate thing.”

“That’s illogical. That is not something that is deniable in this life. It is a proven fact that soulmates exist and that they are how we are able to see the full spectrum of life.”

“Right, yes, I know that, obviously, but he said that he doesn’t want one. At all. Do you know - with all that science in your head - if it’s possible for someone to ignore that connection? To ignore the color if they truly don’t want a soulmate?”

“You know that this is not my area of expertise, Roman,” Logan grumbled, glancing at him sideways. “But, as far as I am aware, no one has truly studied this. There have been very few people in this world who did not want a soulmate, even fewer who did not want one so strongly that they were able to ignore the connection. Though, if Pat was here, he would tell you that nothing is impossible if you set your mind to it.” Roman hummed and his brother continued. “I, also, do not believe that it is completely impossible that someone would be able to push that down far enough for it not to resurface immediately after meeting their soulmate. It would be a fascinating study if one was to find someone like that.”

Roman nodded a bit as he listened to his brother branch off into the details of such a study, though he was stuck on the idea that it was possible that the feeling could be shoved down far enough to not come up. He was stuck even more on the word immediately. The word came with the suggestion that they could come up with time, with a connection, and the hope sizzled in his stomach. Perhaps all was not lost, perhaps he was not one-sided, perhaps it would all work out in the end.

Roman had hope.


	5. Chapter 5

Logan was acutely aware that his brother was not quite acting like himself. While he appreciated the lack of Roman’s eccentricities while he was trying to focus on his assignments, it was truly, truly bothersome to note that his usually loud and ‘extra’ brother had seemed to turn into a recluse. For weeks, he let it slide, deciding that if Patton wasn’t concerned, he had no reason to be either. Patton was always the one to first recognize that there was something going on with someone and the first one to try and find a solution and he’d done nothing of the sort.

And then, his brother returned to normal. As if the last weeks hadn’t occurred at all. Back to singing in the shower, and dancing in the kitchen, and aiding Patton with cooking - something Logan wasn’t so sure he missed in the first place. But, the Roman from the first few weeks of school was gone.

Shortly after the behaviors returned, Logan made the decision that it needed to be talked about. With Patton. He had to approach this with the correct attitude and level of emotion to ensure that he wasn’t going to send his brother back into a shell once more, which was certainly more Patton’s forte. One evening, while doing homework at Patton’s while waiting for Roman to finish his rehearsal, Logan shut his book and set it down in front of him. Patton looked up from his sketchbook, raising his eyebrows at Logan while he waited for him to speak. “I am concerned about Roman,” he began as he turned his body so that he was completely facing Patton.

Patton mirrored him with a small frown on his face, placing his hands on his knees and leaning a bit towards his boyfriend. “Why is that, Lo?” He prompted. Over the many years that they had spent together, both officially and unofficially, Patton had learned the best way to approach talking to Logan about his feelings or concerns. It used to be harder and much more frustrating to get the other to open up, but as time went on they had worked out a system that made it seem less suffocating for Logan and less like pulling teeth for Patton.

“I have noticed that he has become particularly distant from us recently. It is not unlike him to spend time in his room or alone throughout the house, but he had stopped singing and dancing and… Being himself for several weeks right after the beginning of school,” Logan explained as Patton nodded along across from him as he slowly walked through his explanation. “It has been better since he stayed after his rehearsal to study with someone in a class of his a couple weeks ago. I think I have been able to link both the start of the strange behavior and the end of it through questions that have been asked by Roman in both of these instances.”

“What was he asking about?” Patton interrupted, scrunching his eyebrows together as he tried to think back to anything significant they had talked about recently.

“Soulmates. He asked us about one-sided relationships on the first day of school and last week we discussed whether or not someone could ignore that instinct if they willed themselves to hard enough.”

“People can’t do that,” he said, snorting before noticing the very serious look on Logan’s face. “Can they? I’ve never heard of anyone doing that and it would just be silly. Who doesn’t want to meet their soulmate?”

“That’s a very good question.” He paused. “What if he did meet his soulmate, though? What if Roman is one-sided, Pat?”

Patton blinked and reached out to grab Logan’s hand, sensing the quiet panic in his voice. If anyone knew anything about Roman, it was that he dreamed about the day he was going to meet his soulmate. One of the first things he had said to Patton when they met was that he couldn’t wait to meet his Patton. “There’s no way. He would’ve told us that, Lo! He would’ve told you that. It’s not like him to keep secrets, is it?”

“No. It is not,” he agreed, squeezing Patton’s hand lightly and looking at the pale blue bracelet on his wrist. Logan had a matching one up on his nightstand that he used as bookmark once he outgrew it (Patton had made them when they had known each other for a year, and Logan refused to throw it out when it got too small for his wrist). “But who is to say that he wouldn’t start lying to me over a situation that makes him upset? I wouldn’t notice. Noticing that kind of thing is not my strong suit, you know this.”

“Then ask him,” Patton suggested with a small smile. “Bottling up all your stress is not going to help you. So just… Pop the tab on that soda and ask him when you pick him up, yeah? Don’t let it eat away at you. Come on,” Patton pulled him to his feet before letting him go and pointing to the couch. “I’m putting your stuff away and we’re cuddling until you have to go pick him up.” Logan opened his mouth to protest but snapped it shut at the no-nonsense look his soulmate was giving him.

Not for the first time, Logan was grateful for the balance that Patton provided him. He was sure that, had the other not shown up so early in his life, he would completely emotionally shut off from anyone outside of his family. He didn’t know what he would do without his soulmate. But he knew he never wanted to find out.

* * *

Roman was feeling quite a bit better with a renewed hope that maybe Virgil’s distaste for the soulmate idea may have aided in his lack of seeing exactly what Roman saw. He was more focused, a little less creepy, and felt all around more like himself without the idea of one-sided being stuck in his head. The hope helped him push that down, helped him ignore it.

It was easier to breathe around Virgil now that he thought he could renew the spark in Virgil that made him realize that he had a soulmate and that he would want to meet them, even if it was for mostly selfish reasons. Roman moved back to the back of class and they started talking before class began and they’d made plans to stay after and discuss the next draft of their papers before they were due and Roman’s heart soared every day that they were able to see each other.

They were sat outside after rehearsal, waiting for their respective rides and talking about the music each had on their phone - both poking fun at the music in the other’s playlist - and Roman had to contain a groan when he saw his brother’s car pull up at the front of the school. It was hard to want to leave Virgil’s side now that they had actually managed to form a relationship of sorts. He said his goodbyes and vowed to force Virgil to listen to Wicked during their next study session as he jogged to the car.

The smile didn’t leave his face as he climbed into the car. “Hello, dear, nerdy brother of mine,” Roman greeted, sinking into the seat and closing his eyes and letting himself bask in the glow of his emotions for as long as he could. Which is to say, until the silence in the car filled with tension.

Roman opened his eyes up to see that Logan was gripping the steering wheel very tightly, knuckles turning white, and his face was turning a pale shade of purple like he was holding his breath. “Uh, hey, Logan, you usually don’t mind if I call you a nerd but, you know if it –”

“Did you meet your soulmate?” Logan blurted, glancing sideways at his brother. That was not at all how Logan had planned to bring that up. He’d wanted to try slow and compassionate like he had talked about with Patton, to not spook him. Following a plan usually worked out for him. Logan coughed after a beat of silence passed between the two of them. Roman’s face had turned bright red and he had looked down at his lap, fiddling with his thumbs and Logan had his answer. “Who are they?”

Roman swallowed and shook his head. “I do not want to talk about this with you.”

Logan would be lying if that didn’t sting, but he pushed forward. “We talk about everything. That is how this works. Why are you trying to keep this from me?”

“Because, Microsoft Turd, I’m figuring some things out,” Roman grumbled without looking up from his lap. “I was waiting to tell you until I had everything sorted. Is that really so bad?”

“Yes. It is. Perhaps I can help you get it sorted. But I cannot help you if you do not tell me what is going on. Who are they?”

Roman sucked in a breath and looked over at Logan. “His name is Virgil. The kid I was sitting outside with. The one with purple hair. He’s in my English class and he just moved here this year, which is why it took so long for me to meet him and he… Can’t see what I see.”

Logan nodded a bit, eyes not leaving the road as he pictured the boy that Roman had been sitting outside with. Purple hair was so impractical, but that wasn’t exactly the point. “If he colored his hair, that means he knows, doesn’t it? People do not color their hair before they see, that is just preposterous.”

Roman huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, well, I thought so too before we got to talking.” He paused, taking a moment to chew on his cheek. “Virgil’s mom killed herself a couple years ago. He has spent the last couple of years watching his dad suffer because of the loss and he tried to help by having someone buy him some purple hair dye because it was his mom’s favorite color. Someone had pointed it out at rehearsal and he’d gotten embarrassed by it, so we… Talked it over.” Roman sucked in a breath and closed his eyes again. “He doesn’t want a soulmate, Lo. He doesn’t _want_ me. He can’t see me.”

Despite his stunted approach to emotions, Logan could hear the sadness entering his little brother’s voice and felt a surge of protectiveness. He pulled over and put the car into park, acting on instinct and what he thought Patton might do in this situation. It became easier to figure that out when he saw the tears falling out of Roman’s eyes. He leaned over the console and pulled his brother into an uncomfortable hug, the position not ideal for a good hug. “Don’t worry, Roman. That is not true. He just does not know that he wants you yet. He will see. I’ll help however I can, I promise.”


	6. Chapter 6

It felt a little easier for Roman to breathe now that he had someone that he was able to talk to someone about what was going on with his life. When he had told Patton, the older boy had cried with him and held him tight while assuring him it was going to work out just fine. Patton had also shown up the next day with two dozen cookies for him with the excuse that he had months to make up for - each decorated with a different color as a way to try and celebrate the whole devastating experience.

Logan was doing research, finding out if it was possible for someone to ignore that immediate bond with their soulmate. For weeks of searching, he hadn’t found anything giving a definitive answer on either side of the argument. Which was both a little disheartening and incredibly encouraging. Plus, it was nice for Roman to be reminded how much his brother cared, even if it was in his own way.

Virgil… Virgil was warming up.

Roman wasn’t sure how else to put it. They talked in class now, they left together, they spent more time in the library and at rehearsals - Roman found himself extremely glad that his lilac-haired friend had decided to stay on the crew backstage, even if at times he served as more of a distraction for Roman than the usual member of the crew. Virgil seemed more comfortable with him, seemed more relaxed, and he smiled.

That smile could light up the whole world, Roman was sure of it, even with how rare it came. Always in private, always quickly hidden with his hand, but still, it was practically burned into Roman’s memory and fueled his dreams of their future together.

The production was moving closer, Hell Week had begun, and it felt like Roman never left the school these days. He was in class or he was on the stage or he was doing homework by the light of the stage manager’s podium with Virgil hanging over his back and peaking at his answers (Logan would scold him for allowing it, but Roman was too weak to deny him). It was consistent and it was nice, but it was exhausting. The closer they got to the end of the week, the more it could be seen on their faces and in their attitudes. Spending months on ends with people could be grating enough, but toss in exhaustion and people started to get more harsh than on average.

Roman should’ve noticed his own annoyance rising towards the end of the week, taken a break and separated from his peers long enough to get a couple of minutes to himself when he started to feel a little snappy at the little things. Someone took too long to change the set, someone was talking too loud in the audience, someone had taken his favorite pen. It was too easy to set him off with the week coming to an end and the final straw, unluckily, had been over something that Roman would’ve overlooked on any other day.

Friday afternoon was leading up to one last rehearsal before Roman was released from the chains of his role for two days before the week of performances. Now, Roman loved the theatre and he loved the role he was given and he loved being able to put on a show for the audience, but he was exhausted. He just wanted a short nap before he had to be ready to run the show twice through tonight.

It was going swimmingly, absolutely divine in the dark of the workshop bay that held furniture used in old productions in the short time between the bell and the beginning of rehearsals. All Roman wanted was thirty minutes of undisturbed quiet so that he was at the top of his game and ready to go. But, he didn’t get even five minutes before someone came crashing in.

The lights went up and somewhere in the workshop he could hear someone quite literally crashing up against something. Roman groaned in frustration and shot up from the couch he was laying on to go and find the commotion, ready to attack whoever decided to disturb his slumber.

“You must be new, here! In the time before our rehearsal, the lights here stay off so that the talent -” Roman threw his hands up dramatically as he weaved through the discarded set pieces “- may put on the best performance possible. Now, if would kindly retreat much more quietly than you came and turn off the lights as you go, it would very much be appreciated and I wouldn’t have to att–.”

Roman cut himself off as he drew closer to the source of the crash. A couple of props had been knocked over by someone who now seemed to be crouched on the floor behind one of the pieces. Their shoulders were shaking from what Roman could see and he could hear their breathe going in and out harshly as if they were hyperventilating. He rounded the corner slowly, barely keeping himself from approaching even faster when he noticed the plaid patches on the jacket being squeezed tightly around the form on the floor. “Virgil?” He asked, voice quiet as he kneeled to be eye level with him.

Virgil’s head shot up, his signature dark makeup streaking down his cheeks, and Roman was sure that if the other’s back wasn’t already pressed against a prop, he would’ve forced himself further back. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he muttered, hands coming up to pull at the purple strands with pale fingers. “I didn’t - I didn’t - I didn’t mean to… I didn’t think anyone was going to be in here, no one is ever in here. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, Hey, no, it’s okay, I’m not mad at you,” Roman assured him. “I wouldn’t have come out like that if I had known it was you. It’s me who’s sorry.”

  
Virgil shook his head and sucked in another harsh breath. “No, no, no, I don’t. Fuck. I’m sorry,” he repeated as he pulled his hair even tighter in his hands. Roman found his hands drifting up, wanted to grab his hands and hold him and help him, but a flinch from the other boy kept him from going any further. “Don’t touch me! Don’t… I can’t- Fuck. I can’t fucking breathe.”

Virgil seemed to choke on a sob and Roman felt absolutely lost on how to help his soulmate through this. He racked his brain for something, anything he could do to help Virgil through it. “Hey,” Roman whispered, remembering a discussion they’d had in his psychology class last semester. “Can you… Can you put your hand on my chest and breathe with me for a minute?” Virgil gave him an incredulous look. “I mean just put your hand here -” he placed a hand on his own chest “- and when my chest goes up, breathe in, and when it goes down, breathe out.”

The panicking boy hesitated a moment but inevitably removed a shaking hand from his hair and put it on Roman’s firm chest. It took some time, but, soon, Virgil’s breathing slowed to a normal pace and the hand on his chest relaxed. With the moment passed, Roman allowed himself to notice the way his skin seemed to burn under his soulmate’s touch. It didn’t last long though for as soon as the tension had completely left Virgil’s body, he was pulling away and wiping at the streaks of eyeshadow on his cheek.

“Jesus Christ, this is embarrassing,” he grumbled with his hands over his face while he scrubbed away what was left of the makeup. “Sorry for your screwing up your beauty rest, Princey.”

Roman grimaced and moved so that he was sitting criss-cross in front of rather than kneeling. He ran a hand through his hair before saying, “Don’t think about it, dark and stormy knight.” He forced on a smile, placing his hands on his knees and rocking back a little. “Do you want to talk about… Whatever that was?” Roman asked after another dip into silence that was only filled with sniffling from Virgil.

Across from him, the emo boy snorted as his hands dropped into his lap. “Panic attack. I get them sometimes,” he mumbled. “Mostly when I’m stressed. With the play coming up and everything, it’s just… A lot.” A pause. “Look, can you just, like, forget this whole thing happened and we can never talk about it again?”

Roman opened his mouth to protest, to argue with him about how ignoring it couldn’t be helpful, but the tired look on Virgil’s face had him snapping it back shut and nodding. The other grumbled a thanks as he pushed himself up to his feet, swatting at dirt that had clung to his dark clothing. He made a move to start picking up the set pieces he’d knocked over in his panic and Roman scrambled to his feet. “Here, let me help,” he said as grabbed Virgil’s hand to keep him from trying to pick up the larger pieces alone.

They froze and Virgil turned his face to land a scathing glare on Roman, but the look quickly twisted with confusion. His eyebrows had pulled together and the snarl of his mouth melted into a frown before he yanked his hand back from the taller. There were a couple of moments of silence as Virgil blinked, shaking his head. “Are you alright, Virgil?”

Another beat. “Yeah, I just… Thought I saw something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say that the workshop bay with furniture that people napped on was an actual thing in my theatre program. It was comfy as heck and usually pretty quiet up there.


	7. Chapter 7

Roman blinked at Virgil, trying to understand just what the other meant by that. He saw something? Could that mean…? Had he seen the color that Roman had been seeing since the beginning of the year? Was it gone again? Could Roman make it come back and stay back so that they could live the happily ever after that he’d always hoped he and his soulmate would have? Roman’s head was spinning with the possibilities that could come from this suggestion. “What did you see?” Roman managed to choke out, surprised by how clear it came out with how jumbled his thoughts were.

Next to him, Virgil shook his head and grabbed a fallen set piece to make it right again. “Doesn’t matter. Must have been a trick of the light. Just drop it,” he mumbled, pushing his bangs out of his eyes once the piece in hand had settled back upright.

Silence hung in the air between them for a long moment as Roman tried to decide just what he should do. He was buzzing with want - want to know, want to continue, want to push. There was the part of his brain telling him to shut up, leave it alone, drop it like Virgil had asked. But the bigger part of his brain, the hopeless romantic, had other ideas.

Roman moved close and brushed up against his side to assist him in fixing what had been knocked down.  “It seemed to spook you, there for a second. Now, forgive me, but as far as I know, you aren’t exactly the type to scare easy, so it must have been something more than just a trick of the light,” he prodded with a gentle bump of their hips.

Virgil shied away from him and shot a scathing look his direction while he yanked up a backdrop. “Do you just… Not listen when people speak to you? Does it go in one ear and out the other? I told you to drop it, and you just pressed on.” There was a sharp edge to the other’s voice, like the edge of a knife. “Like, I get it, man, really. You think you’re better than everyone else, think you’re entitled to information that you’ve got no need to know. I’ve known you long enough to pick up on that. But I am seriously not in the mood for you.”

“Well, excuse me for being worried about you, Sour Patch Kid,” Roman said, frowning. “I know you’re all tough exterior but that doesn’t mean you have to be so rude when I am simply concerned about your wellbeing.”

Virgil snorted, rolling his eyes sardonically. “Okay. Great. Don’t be worried about me anymore. I don’t need anyone looking out for me. I’m fine,” he spat at him harshly. Roman was almost surprised at how quickly the mood had changed from close to pleasant to  _very not pleasant._

“Says the guy who just came bursting into the scene shop having a meltdown. Sure seems like you need someone to be worried about you.”

“Well, I don’t!” Virgil whipped to face him and suddenly there were hands on Roman’s chest and he was tripping backwards at the harshness of it. “I don’t want anybody to know about my business and I sure as hell don’t want _you_  to know about it. We’re barely even friends -” it stung, Roman thought they were friends, thought they were closer than that “- and you shouldn’t be fucking prying. Forget it ever happened and just. Fucking leave.”

Roman blinked again, shocked by the sudden outburst from the usually quiet boy. “Hey, wait, no, I’m sorry. I didn’t–”

“I said leave, Roman. Leave me the hell alone.”

The fire in the dark eyes staring him down had Roman sputtering, searching for words for a moment before he snapped his mouth shut and nodded. He was so close,  _so close_  to a breakthrough with Virgil.

And he’d managed to screw it up.

* * *

Roman’s performances that evening were shot. He was distant and distracted, as Mr. Sanders put it and he couldn’t even disagree with him. It was true. Virgil wouldn’t so much as look at him backstage, and the stage manager - bless her heart - had even pointed it out between scenes. The entire cast and crew had grown used to them as a pair, any spare moment Roman had was typically spent with the emo boy, lounging on each other doing school work or talking in hushed tones.

Roman had barely managed to ignore all of them through the shows, ignore the looks, ignore the whispers but by the end of the nights, he was exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

Virgil telling him to leave, hot hands shoving him, on repeat in his head over and over and over. It probably wouldn’t stop until he was able to suck up the courage to try and apologize again, preferably without backing down this time.

The ride home with his mother was tense. They always were, but Logan had been studying and she _‘didn’t want to bother him’_. She never wanted to bother her favorite child. Roman wished he had just texted him to make sure it was him that was picking him up, he couldn’t deal with his mom right then.

“Is something bothering you, sweetie?” She asked from his side, making him pull his gaze away from the window. “You’re awfully quiet.”

Roman wanted to shout, wanted to tell her that if she was around a little more she might have noticed that he’d been quiet since the start of the semester. Logan had noticed, Patton had noticed, but she was home so rarely that of  _course_ , she hadn’t noticed. “Nope,” he muttered instead, a pop to the ‘p’. Wasn’t in the mood.

His mother sighed, hands tightening on the wheel. At least Logan came by his way of dealing with emotion honestly. Both of their parents avoided talk of emotion, their mom being the worst of the two. “Well, fine,” she grumbled. “How is the play going?”

“It’s a musical, Mom,” he sighed, long and drawn out. “It’s going. Are you and Dad going to be able to able to make it to one of the shows?” There was a pause, his mother tensed, and Roman knew. “Right.”

“Now, don’t be upset with us. I have a business trip and your father was asked to pick up a couple extra shifts at the hospital. You know we can’t just skip out on these things,” she chastised softly and Roman had to resist the urge to ‘humph’ in his seat. He shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. It’d been like this since he had joined the theatre. Hope and hope and hope, only to be dragged back down to Earth very roughly. It should hurt less now to be let down like that, but it didn’t. It still stung to be reminded his parents wouldn’t be there to support him.

Roman hummed. “Course not, mom. Why would I be upset about it? You’d totally do the same thing if it was something for Logan.” While it came out cool and unaffected, the air around them tensed even more. They both knew it was a lie. They never missed anything of Logan’s. If they lied and told them Logan was in the play, they would’ve been there.

His mother stayed silent, clearly shutting Roman out, ignoring him and ignoring the conversation. As always.

The ride continued silently, and Roman all but slammed the door to the car before sprinting inside. His mother didn’t even try to stop him until she realized he was running up to Logan’s room, yelling at him to leave his brother alone. Which was... Unlikely. Logan may not ever know what to say to him when he went on emotional rants, but he always listened.

He crashed down onto Logan’s bed with a large groan, rolling over to count the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling while he waited for his brother to turn away from his desk. “How was rehearsal, Roman?” He began, eyes landing on Roman’s tired face. “Not good, I’m guessing.”

“No, no, rehearsal was fine,” Roman sighed as he turned his face towards Logan.

“But?”

Roman sighed again. “But I think I screwed it up with Virgil.” Across the room, Logan hummed but didn’t speak, a push for Roman to continue. So, Roman continued, recalling the events of the afternoon to his brother who would sometimes make a noise of understanding as he spoke, to assure him that he was still listening.

“Well,” Logan said, pushing up from the rolling chair and moving to sit beside him on the bed and motioning for his brother to join him in a sitting position. Roman groaned but obeyed. When Logan wrapped an arm around his shoulder, though, he melted into the touch, letting the exhaustion hit him as he leaned against him. “Perhaps, you have ‘screwed it up’ with Virgil,” he agreed, another groan coming out of Roman, “but, that is not necessarily a bad thing. You messed it up before, at the beginning of the school year, with the… Staring thing, you did. But you are friends now, or something like it. You should apologize to him.”

“I tried, remember? And then he yelled at me more,” he said, huffing out a breath

Logan squeezed his shoulder and nodded. “Give him a couple days, try again on Monday. Patton will be here tomorrow and we can discuss the best way to fix the situation with him as well. Remember, you are not alone in this anymore. We are here to assist you to the best of our abilities because we are your family.”

Roman nodded a little bit. “Speaking of family, you and Patton are going to be at the show next week, right?”

Logan laughed lightly, a huff of breath. “We haven’t missed a performance since you began your career as an actor. What makes you think this year would be any different?”

A smile covered Roman’s face and he hugged his brother tighter in response.


	8. Chapter 8

The weekend was long and almost unbearable, the scene from Friday afternoon playing in his head practically on repeat. Roman would start over and replay and think of other ways it could’ve gone - no matter how many times Patton would smack his shoulder and tell him to knock it off.  _There is nothing you can do except fix it_ , the older boy had told him after about the fifteenth time of catching him staring off and thinking for too long.

And Roman  _knew_  that, of course, he did. But it was hard not to wish that he had done it different. Any time that he didn’t spend thinking about what he had done wrong was spent thinking of a way to fix it, like Patton suggested and by Monday he was sure he had the best plan.

Virgil liked space, Virgil didn’t seem to be a big fan of anything big or elaborate, so Roman was going to keep it simple. No flowers like he wanted - Virgil couldn’t even  _see_  the flowers to appreciate their full beauty anyway and they weren’t together so it could very well serve to just make the issue worse - no long-winded apology speech. He was going to offer whatever space the other needed and a simple apology for overstepping the boundaries.

Easy.

By the time Monday morning came, Roman was second guessing himself. He went over his plan with Patton  _six_  separate times in the drive to school (despite having reviewed it with his brother three times on the way to Patton’s) and even throughout the day.

What if it wasn’t enough? What if Virgil still held onto that anger he had felt towards Roman on Friday? What if Virgil shut him down completely? What if they lost everything they had built towards over the last few months? What if Roman lost his soulmate before he had even won him over?

It was a lot to think about, a lot to consider, and by the time their shared literature period came, Roman was an absolute wreck. His usual neat and tidy hair had been run through so many times that it was starting to stick up in places, his shoulders were tight and tense with nerves, his mouth was practically trapped in the small frown he had worn for the day. But he needed to push through, needed to pull himself together.

And Roman tried, he really did - stopped to fix his hair, slow breathing exercises to relax his face and shoulders - but the second he saw Virgil, all that work went straight out the window and his mind was racing through the different ways this could turn out. The darkly clad boy was staring down at his desk studiously, but his headphones were still around his neck, as if to show that he was open for conversation. Roman pushed his feet, which felt cemented in the doorway, to the back of the classroom, plopping into his usual seat beside Virgil.

Silence hung in the air between them, despite the babbling of their classmates around them, and neither of them dared to look at each other. It all served to make Roman more anxious, until his apology came bubbling to the surface out of his control.

“I’m sorry–”

Roman stopped, his head flipping up to look at Virgil, the confusion on the other’s face probably mirroring the confusion on his own. They’d both spoken up at the same time. Which, honestly, shocked Roman. He wasn’t entirely sure what Virgil thought he had to apologize for. The whole situation had escalated because Roman never knew when to  _stop_. That wasn’t Virgil’s fault…

Virgil waved a hand at Roman, bringing his attention back to the present. “Oh, I. I wanted to apologize for Friday,” Roman started. Virgil blinked at him and the confusion didn’t leave his face. Roman shifted and pushed forward. “It was out of line to try and push information out of you that you weren’t ready to give me. It took a lot of time to build your trust and I don’t want to lose that because I am incredibly stubborn. I will be more careful to not attempt to force you into situations that could make you uncomfortable.”

Virgil  _stared_  at him, mouth slightly ajar, and Roman had to replay his own words in his head. He had talked this through with Patton far too many times to have messed that up but Virgil wasn’t /saying/ anything so he must’ve said the wrong thing. Roman scrambled to find some words, backtracking and opening up his mouth to speak only to have Virgil bring his hand up and stop him. His mouth snapped shut. “We’re good, Princey,” he told him, a small smile gracing his lips. “I was actually going to say sorry for maybe being a little too harsh.” He paused. “I’m not good about talking about my feelings, alright? People aren’t usually asking - Dad is too busy, no mom, not a whole lot of friends - and it just… Caught me off guard.”

Now, that, that just wouldn’t do. Not a whole lot of friends? No one to talk to? Roman wouldn’t have that, not for his soulmate, no way. His soulmate deserved the world. “Well-” Roman started, getting cut off by Virgil once again.

“I don’t like whatever you’re thinking. You’ve got a weird look on your face. Can I preemptively say no?”

Roman guffawed, but immediately brought his own hand up to cover his mouth. It took him a moment to force his face to relax. “No, no, absolutely not. Don’t look so  _scared_ , I’m not going to hurt you. I was just going to suggest that perhaps after our final show on Saturday evening, you could come over. Stay the night, join our biannual post-show sleepover. And by our, I mean me, my brother, and his soulmate. We keep it small,” he told him with a grin of his own.

Virgil squinted at him suspiciously. “Your brother and his soulmate?”

“Yeah! Logan and Patton. Oh, you’ll love them. Logan is pretty quiet but he’s crazy smart and kind of a bumbling idiot when it comes to feelings so you won’t have to talk to him about those, And his soulmate, Patton. Man,  _Patton_  always bakes a stupid amount of sweets during show week. I’ll have cupcakes one day, brownies the next, cookies… And then he usually makes pasta after the last show for me that we eat while watching Disney movies until we pass out.”

“Right, why does that not surprise me?” Virgil snorted, shaking his head a bit.

Roman huffed at him and pouted out his bottom lip. “Well, you don’t have to. I just thought it might be fun to hang out outside of school for once,” he grumbled with crossed arms.

“You know what? It does sound fun.  And it might be nice to try and sneak a peek at the less than perfect prince.”

“Ah, that’s assuming that I am  _ever_  less than perfect,” he informed him, sticking his tongue out as their teacher made her way to the front of the class to catch their attention.

* * *

The rest of the week flew by in a flurry of curtain calls, costume emergencies, and late night crashes. Roman adored every second of it, the lights and eyes on him, the time with his friends, seeing Patton cheering from the third row with his brother clapping next to him during four out of the five shows. It reminded him why he kept doing what he was doing, despite his parents disapproval.

It helped that throughout the week, he and Virgil ironed out the plans for their night after the show - stay to help the crew tear down some of the bigger pieces, Logan would pick them up, they would watch _Nightmare Before Christmas_  (Virgil’s pick),  _Cinderella_  (Roman’s pick), and then  _Big Hero Six_  (a combined choice of Logan and Patton’s), pancakes in the morning, take Virgil home. Smooth sailing, per Virgil’s request - though it had taken practically begging to convince Logan to not make a minute by minute schedule of the night.

Logan actually seemed  _nervous_  to meet his soulmate, which made Patton nervous, which made Roman nervous, which made Patton more nervous, and, honestly, it could go around in circles for days. They were all nervous to meet the boy Roman had spent the last few months absolutely agonizing over.

Set breakdown was quick, easy, with the crew and - thanks to Roman - a large part of the cast working through it together, and as they were walking out of the building, Roman scrubbed off what was left of the makeup on his face and Virgil was tugging on his sleeves, a couple steps behind him. “Hey, Roman,” he piped up as he stopped, waiting for Roman to turn to him. “Are you sure this is okay? Your parents aren’t going to be mad?”

Roman blew out a little breath. “They won’t even find out. Mom won’t be home until Tuesday and my dad is working a double tonight,” he reminded him for the umpteenth time this week. He didn’t need to tell him that he thought they did this purposefully, to not have to deal with his  _frivolous_  extracurricular. “It seriously won’t be a big deal.  _Besides_ , if they find out Logan is involved, they won’t even care,” he said, smiling as he rushed forward to pull on Virgil’s sleeve.

Virgil huffed and pushed at Roman’s hand until he let go, but Roman could still see the smile on his face as he led him to the car.

* * *

Logan, for what it was worth, did not show his nerves on the drive home. He chatted casually with Virgil, easily, in a way that almost made Roman jealous of his brother. It had taken weeks, no  _months_  to get Virgil talking to him like this and it had taken his brother mere minutes. But, maybe that was a good thing. Virgil was pressed flush against his side in the backseat, warm and comfortable as he spoke in a quiet voice. If Virgil warmed up to his brother, and hopefully Patton, this quickly, then maybe there was hope for them yet.

And, sure enough, Virgil and Patton clicked almost immediately. Patton gushed over his lavender hair - with  _puns_  and Virgil actually laughed at them! Roman had no idea what they were all so worried about. Virgil thanked Patton over and over the spaghetti, saying it reminded him of his mother’s in a way that had Patton already packing a to-go container for him to take home the next morning.

Roman wished he could have enjoyed it longer, he really did, but halfway through  _Nightmare Before Christmas_  (it had been an exhausting couple weeks, he couldn’t be judged for nodding off early) with Virgil’s body pressed against his and Patton’s fingers carding through his hair from where he was sitting on the sofa behind him, it was hard not to drift off.

“Hey, hey, Vee,” he grumbled sleepily, patting at the emo’s side and earning a chuckle. “Did you- did you know you have very pretty eyes? They’re… They’re like chocolate. No! Chocolate  _cake_ , smooth and rich and I wish I could have them  _all_  the time,” Roman told him, dragging out the world ‘all’ for far too long.

It didn’t dawn on him that all eyes had turned to him as he drifted off to sleep, shock covering their faces as Virgil resisted the urge to run right out of the house and all the way home.


	9. Chapter 9

It was supposed to be a fluke.

That day in the scene shop when the world had flooded with color was supposed to be a  _fluke,_ it had gone away. But with the realization - or more, the reminder, he couldn’t forget that Roman had mentioned it on the first day they met - that Roman could see him, could see color, had brought the color back and it was bleeding at the edges. Everything around him, even in the dark, was starting to change and Virgil was  _panicking_.

He wasn’t ready, he didn’t want this, he didn’t deserve this, not with Roman. He was going to wake Roman up if he didn’t get his breathing under control, he couldn’t do that right after he had fallen asleep. What was it his therapist had told him? Four, seven, eight. Four, seven, eight. Again and again.

Someone was saying his name, but Roman hadn’t moved from his chest, who was he with? Patton and Logan. Who was talking? They were quiet, calm, calculated. From the little he knew, it was Logan. Logan was telling him to focus, telling him to breathe. Like he wasn’t  _trying_. Virgil huffed out a choked laugh and squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to listen. Tried to listen, tried to obey.

Roman was moving, grabbing his shirt as someone pulled him away, but he wasn’t talking. Still asleep. Good. Roman couldn’t see this, not again, he didn’t want Roman to see this. Patton was taking him away. Moving him. Logan was grabbing his hand, trying to pull him up to his feet, telling him to go to the kitchen. No, no,  _no_ , he was going to run if he stood.

“I won’t let you run. The door is locked and in your current state, I am unsure you would be able to open the door anyway. You can stand.”

Had he said that out loud? He must have. Logan pulled him to his feet, keeping a grip on his sleeve as he led him to the kitchen saying something about tea. Tea and Patton. Patton was going to make him tea and he could drink it once he calmed down. Calm down.

 _Calm down_.

It took some more time, longer than Virgil would’ve liked, but it happened.

When he finally was able to pull his eyes open, Virgil almost threw himself back into a panic attack.

The walls of the kitchen he was sat in were a warm chestnut color, a deep red acting as a sort of accent to compliment it. Shiny silver cookware was spread throughout the room and the countertop was almost like a swirled navy granite. No matter how many times Virgil closed his eyes and shook his head, the color remained.

It was stuck.

Virgil was stuck.

Patton stood at the stove, and at least the hoodie he was wearing was still gray, little cat ears gracing the top of it. His hands were shoved deep into the pocket as he watched the pot on the stove seriously as if he was willing it to boil quicker. Or maybe, he was trying to give Virgil some privacy to calm down. Logan seemed to have a different idea. The older boy sat directly across from him, hands crossed in front of him.  _Why was this guy_   _wearing_   _a tie?_  Too serious, too much. Virgil looked down at the table.

“So. You see it,” Logan said, clinical, not a question, a fact. Virgil nodded. “How long?”

“Just now,” Virgil grumbled. Logan hummed. Virgil squirmed. “I saw it last week. For a second. Before I yelled at Roman. Just for a second.”

“Why do you think that is?”

Virgil sighed, rubbing his eyes. It didn’t go away. “He helped me through a panic attack. Not a lot of people will do that. Most people don’t know how to.”

“Roman is smarter than he lets on. Our parents push us quite a bit to be the best that we can be, and in their opinion, the only thing that truly matters is what you know, not what you can do. In addition to his theatrical talents, he has studied quite a bit of psychology and has gone with Patton to several conferences on the subject. He has learned quite a bit in respects to helping people through troubling moments,” Logan informed him.

Virgil raised his brows at him, finally lifting his eyes up from the table to look at the other boy. “Why would he do that?”

“When we were younger, I used to get extremely anxious if Patton and I were going to be apart for an extended period of time - space camp, family vacation, anything. I relied quite a bit on the emotional stability Patton provided me. Roman wanted to be able to help. And so he learned how and continued to learn as he got older. I am extremely lucky to have him as a brother.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, breaking eye contact and looking to Patton at the stove. He was pouring the tea into three mugs - all a plain red that matched the kitchen’s decor - before carrying them to the table. Virgil found himself wanting to stand to help him, but remained cemented to the chair, and mumbled thanks when the cup was placed in front of him. He didn’t pick it up. He was afraid his hands were still shaking.

Patton noticed this and pushed the cup closer to him. “Drink it. It’ll help you relax and then you go upstairs and sleep in the guest room,” he told him.

Virgil knew he was going for encouraging, knew he was going for supportive, knew he shouldn’t be scared by that, but Virgil tensed up. “No. No, I need to go home. I can’t… I can’t be here when he wakes up. This wasn’t supposed to  _happen_. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want–”

“Don’t you  _dare_  say you didn’t want him. Because you have him and I am not going to allow you to say something like that about my brother,” Logan cut him off, voice stern and leaving no room for argument. Virgil snapped his mouth shut. “Roman has made us aware that you do not want a soulmate. He told us your story - do not be mad at him for that. He was dealing with a lot and he was trying to deal with alone, it was important for us to know the whole story.

It is understandable that you would want to avoid that after what happened with your mother. But you have a soulmate. You have my brother and he was willing to do whatever it took to have a relationship with you, even if it wasn’t the romantic idea he had always had for a soulmate. He will do what needs to be done to make sure you are comfortable and if that means you need space, then he will give it to you. If that means things need to go slow, he will slow down no matter how fast he wants to take this.

You will stay. You will drink your tea and go to bed. You will talk to him. You will sort this out. And then I will take you home. But not a moment sooner.”

Virgil stared at him and, judging by Patton’s face, he felt the same way about the situation. Virgil seceded, picking up the tea and drinking it slowly.

Maybe he could make a break for it after they went to sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Virgil knew there was no way he was going to sleep, even with the calming tea coursing through his body all he could do was pace around the small guest room. He was too on edge for the tea to do much except make it easier to think about all that was wrong with what happened, why he wished it hadn’t, why he wanted to disappear and never show his face again. Skip town and never show up again - as if his dad would allow that. They’d left their hometown because Virgil couldn’t stand that anymore, he wouldn’t be allowed to do that again.

But he could put it off the whole confrontation for as long as physically possible. He could skip a couple days of school and feign illness with his dad before he caught on and forced Virgil out of the house and back to school. He could probably even make it a whole week before he had to face Roman or his brother.

And Virgil planned to do just that - ignore his existence for as long as possible, pretend this didn’t happen for as long as possible. When it finally seemed like the house had settled around him, no more clinking glasses down the hall, no more muffled footsteps, no more hushed whispers, Virgil started on his escape plan. With everyone asleep, he could just walk out the front door and never look back.

Which, of course, would’ve worked much better if there wasn’t someone laying in front of the door blocking his way out. For people who didn’t know him at all, they sure knew enough about him to know he was going to try and make a break for it anyway. 

_Backdoor escape it is._

The floorboard creaked below his feet as he tried to backpedal out of the little hallway by the door. Virgil tensed as the person shifted under their blankets, turning towards the source of the sound. “Whossit?” Their voice was thick with sleep and maybe if Virgil stayed quiet they’d go back to bed. His luck was working against him, he realized, when the person sat up and reached for their glasses. “Virgil?” They grumbled, rubbing sleep from their eyes. Patton, Virgil decided, stood from the floor to flick on the light and flood the small space with light.

The disappointed frown on Patton’s face made Virgil want to curl right up into a ball. “Sorry. I was just… Sorry,” he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut so he didn’t have to keep looking at the older boy. He couldn’t handle that look.

“You just what, kiddo? Wanna talk about it?” Patton’s voice, though still rough with sleep, was soft and warm. Though the look he was giving Virgil was filled with disappointment, his voice showed no sign of malice towards Virgil, but maybe pity for him instead. Virgil wasn’t entirely sure he liked that better.

Patton motioned for him to sit on top of the blankets, grabbing the sleeve of his hoodie to pull him down when he realized that Virgil was reluctant to join him. Patton stared at him expectantly and Virgil squirmed a bit under his gaze. “I’m not entirely sure what you want me to say,” he admitted quietly as he started to pick at the blankets.

Patton shrugged and leaned back at the door with his face still turned towards Virgil, open and accepting. Virgil relaxed a bit under the gaze. “Why you were trying to leave might be a good place to start,” the other prompted.

Virgil stayed quiet for a moment - a moment that felt like seconds, minutes, and hours all at once - before he took a deep breath starting to pick at the blanket beneath them. “You know the story. My mom… Just. Left my dad. Abandoned us without any warning. It was a lot to handle. I was twelve and my mom was dead and my dad was so  _sad_.” He paused, wiping at his eyes as they grew wet. He didn’t want to cry, not in front of this virtual stranger. He steeled himself to continue. “The idea that there’s only one person, one  _perfect_  person for you is shitty. My dad didn’t come back from losing her, not really. I wasn’t able to get the comfort and all that shit that  _I_  needed from him - I lost her, too, but she was his  _soulmate_. I ended up taking care of him more than he was taking care of me.

“After he finally seemed to piece his life together, I promised myself I would not go through something like that. No matter what it took. I pushed down that feeling with everything I had. Closed myself off, cut out my friends, we even moved because I wanted to. Moving here was my choice. And the universe, as some sick joke, decided that I needed to move where the supposed love of my life was going to be. Fucking  _Florida_. I thought it would be home, in Missouri, but it’s not. I thought I was getting away with it… And I didn’t. I don’t want to do this, Patton.”

Beside him, Patton blew out a slow breath and shifted so that he was sitting up a little straighter. “You wanna know something? Roman said the  _same thing_ ,” he told him. Virgil’s brows scrunched together but he didn’t look up from the blanket. “He thought he was one-sided. And you know him, you’ve talked to him. He is a romantic, through and through. He was so excited to meet his soulmate and Roman talked about it all the time while we were growing up. He thought it was some ‘sick joke’ that he met you and you weren’t meant to be his. He cried and cried when he told us.”

Virgil closed his eyes. He didn’t want to hurt Roman, even before he became painfully aware of Roman’s sight. He was his first friend in years and he was fiercely protective of his friends. “I’m sorry,” he grumbled, shaking his head.

“Don’t apologize. Not to me, anyway. You can decide if you owe Roman an apology or not, but you don’t owe one to me,” Patton told him. An arm snaked around his shoulder and Virgil melted into the older boy despite his best efforts. The hoodie he was still wearing was soft and warm and  _plain_  and  _familiar_  and Virgil turned his face into it. Patton hummed quietly, carding his finger’s through Virgil’s hair. “You should talk to him. Be honest about your feelings, even if it’s hard. He’s pretty patient, he’ll listen to you. He’ll do what you want him to, too, if you want space or time to think. But you /have/ to talk to him first, kiddo.”

Virgil snorted half-heartedly, tired and slowly crumbling with Patton’s touch. He nodded, face still hidden in Patton’s hoodie. He could stay and talk to Roman.

He had to.


	11. Chapter 11

Roman woke up to the sound of whispers and cracking bacon in the kitchen. He rubbed his eyes and sat up, the blanket he’d gained through the night - probably courtesy of Patton - gathering in his lap. If he listened hard enough, he could pick out the low baritone of his brother’s voice talking to a rushed voice not far from him that belonged to Patton. Damn them and their internal clocks.

He searched the room for the clock hanging on the wall. Nearly ten o’clock, he was surprised he had even managed to sleep that late. He had been the first one asleep, leaning against Virgil and mumbling nonsense.

Nonsense about color.

Roman all but scrambled off the couch, tripping on the blankets in his attempt to run to the kitchen, hoping and praying that Virgil hadn’t disappeared in the night, that he didn’t absolutely hate Roman for ruining their friendship and ruining his life by being stupidly attached to him like that. “Where’s Virgil?” Roman asked once he came crashing into the kitchen, eyes flicking between Patton and Logan as he struggled to keep himself calm.

“He’s still asleep. By the door. I didn’t want to wake him up, he was up pretty late,” Patton said, pointing towards the entryway as if indicating for him to go look.

Roman didn’t move as if he was glued to the spot where he had finally managed to stop and try to catch his breath. He could see Logan motioning for him to sit down and could hear him telling him to drink his coffee and eat the breakfast Patton had made for him. But his stomach was twisting and his head was repeating _still asleep, still here_  over and over. Virgil hadn’t run away from him. Virgil hadn’t left. “What happened after I fell asleep?”

Logan opened his mouth to speak, ready to tell Roman precisely what happened - probably word for word if he could remember - but Patton silenced him with a look over his shoulder. It always amazed Roman how they could communicate without so much as a word to each other. Roman had hoped he’d be able to get there with his soulmate one day. Something twisted in his stomach again. “You and Virgil can talk about that when he wakes up. Right now, you need to eat and calm down and gather your thoughts so that you’re not just spewing nonsense when he wakes up,” Patton told him with another motion towards his food.

Despite the spinning in his head, Roman obeyed. He picked up the toast on the edge of the plate - something light, he decided, to calm his nerves. When he bit into it, he knew the two of them must have been aware that he was going to wake up in a mood. Logan had given up some of his coveted Crofters for Roman’s breakfast. He hummed out a thank you and ate slowly, silently, thoughts going too fast to speak. Patton and Logan filled the silence for him when Patton finally joined them at the table.

The fourth place setting - wrapped in tinfoil to keep it warm - served as the reminder that Roman’s life was probably ending.

—

Virgil woke up alone, still leaning on the door, with a pain in his neck. God, if he had known he was going to get suckered into sleeping in this uncomfortable position, he would’ve just stayed awake in the guest room all night. Though, maybe this was good. He didn’t feel like he needed to run after talking to Patton and getting some rest, even if he was left feeling a little sore.

He could hear clanking dishes and running water in the general direction of the kitchen and realized he’d probably been the last one to wake up, leaving him feeling almost guilty for lounging around their house without being awake. But, maybe, that wasn’t a bad thing for once. Who knew what Roman had woken up feeling like, if he even remembered what he’d said through his sleep-riddled thoughts. Maybe he would escape that conversation after.

He should’ve known better than to get his hopes up - even a little - when he entered the kitchen and it was Roman washing the dishes. Virgil took a moment to take in the sight before him - Roman’s messy, dark blonde hair sweeping across his forehead and just barely hanging over his eyes (Virgil realized he and his brother both had the same dark green eyes, looking nearly black in the way the shadows cast over his face). He was still in the pajamas he’d settled down in, looking comfortable as he hummed some of the music from the show while scrubbing the dish in hand. “Hey,” Virgil greeted, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie down past his hands a little nervously.

Roman startled, nearly dropping the plate he was washing as his head whipped up to face Virgil. He blinked and Virgil could practically see the wheels turning in his head as he thought of what to say. “Hey. Patton made you breakfast. It’s on the table,” Roman told him after a beat of silence and immediately turned back to the dishes.

The silence returned, but now it fell heavy as Virgil sat at the table to eat. Despite the foil wrapped around his plate, the food had cooled down a bit, but he wasn’t complaining. No one had made him breakfast since his mom had died and he couldn’t help but feel something warm unfold in him at the thought of someone he barely knew making him breakfast. He ate in silence for a long time, listening to the clang of dishes as Roman finished up. “Uh, where are Patton and your brother?”

“They went up to Logan’s room. They wanted to give us some privacy,” Roman mumbled as he placed the last dish into the drying rack beside the sink. He dried his hands with a red towel - again matching the paint in the room. Virgil wondered why these people were so obsessed with matching everything. “Apparently, I need to talk to you about what happened last night.”

Virgil tensed up with the fork of scrambled eggs halfway to his mouth. While he was well aware this was going to happen, he thought Patton would at least be  _around_ to help him with it. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Roman move closer to him and sit in the seat beside him. He put his hands in his lap, though with the way his hands were wringing, it looked as if he wanted to reach out and touch Virgil. Virgil found himself wanting that, too. “What did they tell you?”

“Nothing. Logan seemed to want to but I guess… Patton wanted you to be the one to tell me what happened after I said what I said.”

Virgil put his fork down and ran his hand through his hair.  _Be honest_. “I sort of. Freaked out,” he started. Guilt covered Roman’s face and Virgil felt that same feeling spread through him. “It was my own fault. I… I pushed down that thought of the first day where you mentioned seeing it, forced myself to think that we weren’t… That you weren’t… Yeah.”

Roman sighed, looking down at his lap. “Yeah. And, after finding out about everything with your mom, I could understand why. So, I did my best to try and make you comfortable with me,” he told him with a small huff.

“I guess I should thank you for that. You didn’t have to do that.”

“But I  _did._ I wanted this, whatever _this_  is, to work out. Even if I was one-sided. And I guess that I am… Which is fine! I don’t blame you for that! You can’t control that.”

Virgil closed his eyes and steeled himself a bit before he was able to speak. “You’re not one-sided,” he whispered, barely loud enough for himself to hear. He flinched a bit at his own weakness. “You’re not one-sided and you have really… Beautiful green eyes.”


	12. Chapter 12

Roman was sure that at a later date, he’d regret the way he reacted to those words. Not at all the way, he would’ve wanted to - with a big smile on his face and grand gestures of romance for his beloved.

But after months of hoping and wishing and praying, all of his hurt and longing just sort of bubbled to the surface in full body-wracking sobs. He almost couldn’t breathe through all tears, barely able to suck in any air enough to thank Virgil for the compliment, for finally seeing what he saw. He was sure he looked a complete fool - snot and tears covering his face but he didn’t care at that particular moment. Virgil saw and that was all he had ever wanted. 

Someone to see him.

In the brief moments where his vision cleared, he could see panic written over every inch of Virgil’s body, hands hovering in the space between them like he had no idea what to do with them, mouth open as if he wanted to say something but nothing would come out, back stiff as a rod in his half leaning position. Everytime Roman looked at him, he blubbered some more. This was not how he wanted this to go.

“I– I’m sorry, Roman, I thought… I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

The words reached Roman’s brain at the speed of a snail and he was finally able to force air into his lungs. Though tears still ran down his face and his hands shook as he grabbed Virgil’s, he was able to push on a smile. “Never apologize for that. These are happy tears,” he managed, sounding rough and choked from crying. “You. You have no idea how happy I am. I could kiss you! But I have morning breath and you… You might not even want that! You might not even want that, and I want to do what you want.”

Roman watched as the tension leaked out of Virgil’s body the longer he spoke and their hands dropped once Virgil let himself completely relaxed. But he didn’t let go.  _He didn’t let go._  “I’m sorry,” he repeated, his eyes trained on their conjoined hands. He words were slow and careful like he was afraid Roman was going to fall apart again if he said the wrong thing. “I know this isn’t what you imagined. A soulmate who is afraid of the whole thing.”

“This may not be what I imagined,” Roman agreed and he felt Virgil’s hands tense up in his own, “but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wanted a soulmate and I got the best one I could ask for.”

Virgil laughed weakly, shaking his head at their hands. “But you didn’t. You got  _me_.   _Me_  who didn’t want this, who didn’t want you.  _Me_ who prevented this for as long as possible.  _Me_  who is more anxious than anything else.  _Me_ who isn’t going to want to go fast, who isn’t going to let you do the things you wanted, who isn’t at all ready for this.  _Me_  who doesn’t deserve you.”

Roman’s chest ached and he squeezed Virgil’s hands as tightly as he could without hurting him. “Hey, look at me,” he whispered. When Virgil shook his head again, sinking lower to hide better behind his bangs, he repeated it. Again and again, until Virgil  _finally_ looked at him, still half hidden behind his bangs. He wanted Virgil to see how serious he was when he spoke again. “I wouldn’t have it any other. You are more than I could’ve possibly imagined or hoped for in all my wildest dreams. None of that matters to me. We’ll do this in a way that suits  _us_  - not just me, not just you, us. And if that means slow, it means slow. If that means it’s different, then it’s different. Nothing is  _wrong_  with that. That is perfectly okay with me. Not every story is the same. And, if I do say so myself, I think we have a pretty good one already.” He put on a wide smile, one that didn’t seem to fit with the mess that his face was, but felt more real than any other that had been on his face before this.

Virgil was silent and still in front of him, face showing nothing. Roman felt his smile threaten to small as his attempt at a joke seemed to fall flat, but he forced it to stay on. “Virge? Headphones? Will you say something? I’ll take yelling, even,” Roman said as he tried to keep calm.

There was another long stretch of silence where Roman’s stomach tossed and turned, waiting for a response,  _any_  response. When Virgil started pulling his hands away, face turned down again, Roman felt his cool quickly slipping.

Until Virgil’s arms were thrown around his neck in an almost too tight hold.

It took Roman longer than he was willing to admit to process what was happening before he returned the hug with the same fierceness.

* * *

 

They stayed in that position for a long time - long enough for both of them to cry some, long enough for the hold to loosen, long enough for Patton to come and check on them, only to back out without ever being seen.

They didn’t talk, just held on to each other and let silent emotions roll through them, let them speak the words they were too afraid or wary to say at that moment in time. Maybe they would say it eventually, but the moment felt too raw for it.

All of that could wait. For now, they would just hold each other.

* * *

 

When Virgil was finally able to detangle himself from Roman, he felt as much of a mess as Roman looked. He forced out a snort and wiped at his eyes with his freed hands, suddenly glad that he hadn’t had the chance to put on any makeup yet that morning. He didn’t need to add running makeup to the absolute disaster he was sure he looked like.

Though Roman wasn’t looking a lot better as he wiped his face with his sleeves. But at least now there was a soft smile on his face. Virgil hadn’t even realized how wrong he’d looked without one until it was there.  _In too deep_.

Virgil sank low into his seat, pushing his hands back into his pockets. Now that Roman wasn’t holding his hands, they were growing cold. He missed the touch already.  _In too deep_.

“If it’s, uh. If it’s alright with you, I’m gonna. Need some space,” Virgil mumbled, turning towards the plate of food that he’d abandoned. Patton had worked so hard on it and now it was cold. Virgil would have to apologize for wasting the food. He pretended he couldn’t see the smile falter. “Just, like, a couple of days? You know, to get my thoughts together.”

“Yes, yes, of course,” Roman said, sounding distant. Virgil felt bad for pulling himself away after their moment, retreating back into himself after finally letting go a little bit. _In too deep_.

Virgil pushed himself up from the chair, the sound of scraping wood on the floor repeating just moments after his own. Roman had followed him to his feet. He swayed awkwardly. “I’ll see you in a couple days, then,” he told him as he finally managed to look back at Roman through his hair.

Roman nodded. “Do you want Logan to drive you home?”

Virgil shook his head. He needed to gather his thoughts, a walk would do him some good. He stayed still a moment longer before taking a small step towards Roman and opening his arms a bit. One more hug wouldn’t hurt, right? The other seemed hesitant for a moment, seemingly gauging what he was supposed to do.

This hug was brief, yet still held the same warmth without all the weight of their previous hug. Virgil wanted to stay there all day but forced himself to step back.

Roman walked him to the door without another word, picking up Virgil’s bag as they walked. Virgil gave a half-hearted wave as he started away from the house. He felt a pull in his chest telling him to go back and accept what was happening, but he needed time for that. Needed time to accept what he had done and what would happen because of it.

_In too deep._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, and that's all I've got for now. Slowly, but surely, working on the next chapter which will be posted on my tumblr (vexation-virgil.tumblr.com) and then on here! Thanks for reading what I've got.


	13. Chapter 13

There was silence when Virgil walked through the front door of his house. Part of Virgil was grateful he didn’t have to try and explain the small and shaky breaths he was taking, part of him wanted to talk to someone who wasn’t so  _involved_  in the situation. He wanted his dad. He wanted his  _mom_. He could never get what he wanted, could he?

Virgil trudged through the house’s bare, beige halls, sluggish and worn from the emotional exertion that was this morning with Roman. He tried not to pay too much attention to the colors around the house - not there were many. Apparently, Dad wanted to keep the house as plain as possible when they moved out here. He wondered what their old house looked like, what it  _really_  looked like. Sure, he remembered talking about it with his mom (and her telling him that she couldn’t wait until he  _actually_  saw it) and, sure, he could probably figure it out now but it wasn’t the same.

Reaching his bed, Virgil flopped onto the black blankets and pillows that didn’t match before he threw a hand over his eyes. His mom would want him to be happy. She’d said it so much in those weeks before she died that it was practically ingrained in Virgil’s head -  _“no matter what happens, my little storm cloud, be happy.”_  He wished he had been a little more observant, a little more aware, before she died. Maybe then he wouldn’t be so petrified by what was happening now.

“What do I do, Mom?” Virgil asked the nothing that surrounded him. “I didn’t… I didn’t want this to happen. I feel like I’ve said that a thousand times today. But it happened and now I’m here. Alone.” He huffed out a laugh, bringing both hands to his eyes and rubbing his eyes with them. “And apparently talking to a ghost! This is insane. I’m going insane.”

  
Throwing his arms out to his side, Virgil was quiet for a moment as he stared - glared, may have been a more proper word - at his plain ceiling as if hoping for someone to show up. Someone, anyone.

No one came.

“This sucks. This sucks! This whole thing started years ago, not months ago. With you,” he grumbled at the nothing. “It wasn’t fair, Mom. Not to dad, not to  _me_. And I know. I  _know._  Everyone told me you were sad, and that you were just good at hiding it, and that it wasn’t my fault. They told Dad too, but that didn’t help.

I was twelve. And… And you were just gone. You had sent me off to school with an  _I love you_  and an  _I’ll see you later_. Did you know I wasn’t going to see you later when you said that? Did you know dad was going to come home early and find you in the bath? Did you know Uncle Emile was going to pick me up and refuse to tell me what was going on, why I couldn’t go home? That day is etched into my memory, that morning is. I should’ve noticed…” He trailed off, blinking tears from his eyes. Uncle Emile would be proud of him for talking about it, out loud, even if it was to himself.

Virgil swallowed past the lump forming in his throat and pushed on. This wasn’t the point of this talk with the nothing around him. “Dad was a mess. A mess I had to deal with. Mom, he was  _heartbroken_. And he used me as a shoulder to cry on. I barely had time to process what  _I_ was feeling before I had to deal with… With all of his feelings. Uncle Emile tried to help, he stayed for a couple weeks, but he had to go back to work eventually. Dad sat in his bed and held your note and cried. He only ate or drank anything when I gave it to him. If you hadn’t specifically told him to stay… I’m not sure he would’ve. He missed you  _so fucking much_.

It was on the one year anniversary of your death that I decided I wasn’t going to do that. No way. Uncle Emile was there that day, but I could still hear Dad screaming for you to come back. I never wanted… No. I never  _want_  to depend on or need someone that much. And now… There’s Roman. Roman Fucking Patrick,” he said the name like it was a curse brought upon him. It shouldn’t have made him sick to do that. He shook his head. “Roman is everything I’m not, Mom. You would’ve loved him. He’s loud and obnoxious and cocky but he cares. He was so damn persistent about being my friend.”

Virgil sat up and rest his elbows on his knees, the small smile on his face showing up despite the tears. “It feels right and that’s terrifying. When I saw him this morning, I was so scared and I wanted to run. But I stayed. And not just because his brother is more terrifying than all of this but because he was… Him. And he was all soft edges and silent comfort in his pajamas. Seeing that every morning? I could do that.

If I think about it long enough, if I  _let_  myself think about it, I can probably imagine an entire future with him. His over-complicated Starbucks order, dealing with long distance for college, fighting over what to have for dinner, kids’ names… But do I want to? This is so much for a seventeen-year-old to handle on their own. Especially an anxiety-ridden one with soulmate-issues,” he mumbled with a huff of a laugh.

“You would know what to do, Mom. You always knew what to do,” Virgil whispered, squeezing his eyes shut.

The knock on the door yanked Virgil out of his thoughts with a jump. “Door’s open!” He called out as he rubbed what was left of tear tracks off of his face. He sighed when his dad poked his head in the room, looking too tired from working one too many doubles. There was a certain air of caution as he stepped into the room and gave Virgil a sad looking smile. “How much of that did you hear?”

“Enough to connect the dots, you’ve found your soulmate,” his father said, voice low and carefully calculated. There was quiet for a moment as his father mulled over what to say next. “You seem scared.”

Virgil huffed, rubbing his eyes more. “M’not scared,” he muttered. The knowing look his father gave him was enough for him to know he’d been caught in his lie.

“Tell me why you’re scared, Virge. I might not always know what to say like your mom did, but I can figure something out,” his father said as he moved a hand to rest on Virgil’s knee.

Silence rang in Virgil’s ears as his father patiently waited. He didn’t  _want_  to tell him what was wrong, he didn’t want his dad to blame himself for Virgil thinking about the things that  _might_ happen.

Virgil swallowed, wiping at his eyes as tears threatened to start up again the more he thought about all the things that could happen. He sucked in a breath and swallowed his fear. “What happens if I lose him? What… What do I do?”

It was his father’s turn to take a moment of silence, to come up with an answer. Virgil waited and slowly grew more anxious the longer the quiet stretched on. “You move on.”

“Ha, right,” Virgil grumbled. “You moved on, Dad?”

“Not completely, no. I probably never will. But I did keep moving, for you. Not just because your mom asked me too, either.”

“You sure about that? You sure could’ve fooled me.”

His dad sighed and pushed a hand through his hair, glancing over at Virgil. “I was… A mess. I know. And I know you had to grow up really fast because I wasn’t there to help you. But, I stayed for you because I love you. So, if,  _if,_  something were to happen, you would move on. Maybe not in a traditional sense, but in the sense that you keep moving for the ones you love.”

“And what if there’s no one else keeping me here?”

“Then you do it because your soulmate would have wanted you to live a long, happy life.” Despite the sadness in his tone, his dad smiled softly.

“Are you happy, Dad?”

“If you’re happy, then I’m happy. Are you happy, Virgil?”

Virgil was quiet for a moment, looking at his hands and thinking over the question and all of his emotions. Was he happy?

“I don’t know. But I think I will be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roman dealing with all of this coming next :P
> 
> catch me on vexation-virgil.tumblr.com


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see! Again! I’m so sorry! Life’s been crazy, I’m still depressed, but I’m trying to get this finished up for guys, I really am! On a separate note, I’m thinking of getting a kofi and doing some writing commissions. If you would be interested, please let me know! Enjoy the chapter and I’ll try not to make you wait so long this time.

It didn’t take long after Virgil left for the panic to replace the joy Roman had been feeling. After all, it had already started slipping away when Virgil said he needed to be alone.

Before the tears could even start to fall, Roman climbed the stairs with a serious determination to find Patton and Logan - they might not know what to say or do, but they  _would_  comfort him, and that’s all he really needed at that moment. Someone to hold him and tell him everything was going to work out, even if they didn’t know that.

Virgil had said it was only going to be a couple of days, but him disappearing around the corner had felt like a death sentence.

If they spent enough time apart, maybe that would be all Virgil needed to realize he still didn’t want a soulmate. He would decide that their conversation had changed nothing, and he would tell him they could still be friends but nothing more. The idea made his stomach turn and threaten to send his breakfast back up. He couldn’t  _comfortably_  just be friends with Virgil now. It would break his heart, which was already barely being held together by tape and glue after the semester.

Roman wouldn’t make it back from another heartbreak the same person.

He didn’t bother knocking on Logan’s door, hoping that the two of them would be doing something that could be easily interrupted if Roman came with news or for a ride or… Anything. The brave face he had forced on nearly collapsed as soon as he saw them, Patton looking sleepy with his head Logan’s lap as his older brother read quietly to him. Nothing Roman hadn’t seen before, but at that moment, it struck him as painful. Patton was the first to notice him, a small smile on his face when he addressed him. “It looked like that talk went well,” Patton told him with a little wink.

Roman’s lip shook slightly as he took a few steps towards the bed, but he nodded all the same. “Yeah… It went okay,” he agreed, doing his best to keep his voice from wavering and failing. He was an _actor_ , why was this so difficult? He wasn’t fooling anyone, Patton sitting up and Logan shutting the book proved that much.

“What happened, Roman?” His brother prompted, a hand coming out to gently rest on his shoulder. Roman almost had to laugh had how gentle and soft he sounded. Patton must have been teaching him - ‘How to Talk to Your Distressed Sibling’.

“Nothing… Virgil just– He went home and I thought- I thought he might stay so we… I don’t know, so we could talk about what this meant and what he wanted to next but- I just wanted some time with him I guess. Time that wasn’t spent crying, would have been preferable. And I know that he wants space and time to think and that I’m being stupid but–”

“How you’re feeling right now, Ro, isn’t stupid,” Patton said, cutting him off. “You’re allowed to be upset by this. It’s nice that Virgil’s feelings and requests are so important to you, and I think he’s  _very_  lucky to have someone like you, but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be disappointed that he left. Hurt, even. Making the decision that helps someone close to you doesn’t always feel good, kiddo.”

Roman forced out a small, wet sounding laugh as he wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall. “This feels terrible. This feels  _wrong_ , Pat. I want him here. All these months of waiting just to be left waiting even longer? It’s not  _fair_ ,” he muttered indignantly, shaking his head.

Patton hummed his agreement, grabbing Roman’s hand and giving it a light squeeze. “I know, bud. But think about it… Do you think trying to get Virgil to stay would have made him feel better or worse about what’s going on? We all know he’s probably got a lot going through his head right now. I’m guessing, if he had stayed, he’d have been even more freaked out by all of this than he already is.”

Roman closed his eyes and blew out a slow sigh. Patton was probably right. Well, not probably. Patton was right about this one. Virgil needed time and Virgil needed space to accept this, he had said so himself, and Roman had offered to give him that. How would it look if Roman retracted that offer almost as soon as he gave it? How would it have felt? What would Virgil have thought of Roman then?

He didn’t wipe at the tears when they started this time, angry with himself for being so  _selfish_  that he didn’t consider any of that. Roman had spent months making sure that they did this how Virgil wanted, their friendship had been built on that. Letting Virgil set the pace. For a little while, it would have to keep on like that, until Virgil felt secure in whatever he was feeling. And then they could work on making sure it fit what they both needed. Roman was ready to dive in head first and it wasn’t hard to tell that Virgil was barely ready to dip his toe in the water.

“Okay… Yeah, okay. It would have been worse to request that he stay. I know. I just… I like him a lot,” Roman said, glancing at the pair of them with a sad smile on his face.

Logan nodded as he moved his hand from Roman’s shoulder to run his fingers through Patton’s hair. “I understand that,” his brother said, voice quiet. Fondness was written on his brother’s face and it helped turn the smile on Roman much more genuine.

They’d been soulmates for years now and still had things they had to work through together from time to time, Roman knew that. He always heard both sides of the argument when it came to them. So… Maybe what Roman saw as a setback wouldn’t be so bad.

Maybe it would only help to make their relationship stronger.

Roman would just have to wait and find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> catch me at vexation-virgil.tumblr.com :)


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